Some destinations are just built for Retoxing. And while I'm sure there are some very nice gyms and probably even a juice bar or two in Cannes, in the four years that I've been visiting the city for the Lions Festival I've never found (or actually looked) for them.
But I HAVE discovered a club that sets its bar on fire for fun, a Ruinart-drenched island accessible only by boat, the super bloggers' favourite pop-up cafe AND the best shoes to wear when gatecrashing a yacht party. Which I promise is all much more useful information if you're planning a visit to the Riviera.
The Cannes Lions Festival Of Creativity is a week-long event bringing together the media industry's best brands and biggest wigs to celebrate all that is new and exciting in adland. It's a chance for creative folk to look into the future, swap ideas, learn about the latest technology, wear chinos and drink Cannes dry in the name of networking. And it takes place in the sunshine in one of the most gorgeous and glamorous cities on the planet. What's not to love?
The festival brings with it its own stages, parties and events, but Cannes is always a delicious destination in the summer. So as Cannes Lions roars into action for another year and I pack my best bikinis, here are five places you're likely to find me next week Retoxing over a rosé.
CAVEAT: Expect everything on this list to be expensive, like really expensive. If you are ready to splash the cash or have an expense account to burn there is a lot of fun to be had in Cannes. If you're looking for a good value vacation this is not the place for you.
One of La Croisette's most elegant old dames. Inside, the Carlton is all marble and shag pile... but you won't care about that as the terrace is the only place to be seen in the summer. Dress smart and bag a space at the front for sipping chilled Provencal rosé (if you can sip a magnum?!) as you watch the world go by and plan the rest of the night's rosé drinking. One of their impressive seafood platters is a good idea with all that rosé. Did I mention they serve a lot of rosé?
A notorious and glamorous after party spot in the port, Baoli is open until the sun comes up and encourages the most raucous behaviour (there's a reason I don't have any usable pictures to accompany this entry). Expect tight dresses, glow-in-the-dark Dom Perignon bottles and dancing on the tables.
DO head there early for sushi and people watching as the sun goes down and the glam squad arrive. DO prepare yourself for dad dancing and Justin Beiber's greatest hits on repeat (music in the clubs of Cannes is not France's finest).
DON'T wear anything flammable if you're standing too close to the bar (it's set alight at various points in the evening. Awesome to watch but a little bit risky after buckets of Mojitos). DON'T offer to buy a load of people you don't know tequila shots at 2am (€220 for ten, fyi).
Situated in front of the Le Grand Hotel the city's prettiest pop-up is a cool coffee spot by day and buzzing hub for networking ninjas by night. Expect handsome media men dressed in pastel shirts, power dressing women with wicked blow dries and the odd celebrity spot (last year Jamie Cullum was literally swinging from the rafters, stylish chef Gizzy Erskine dropped in for a chat and vlogger extraordinaire Cameron Dallas Snapchatted his way through the big closing bash).
Another hot spot in the port, this chic beach club is the place to pose by day (possibly straight after Baoli if you're feeling brave enough and remember to pack your trunks?).
If you haven't got much time to spare go for lunch and a paddle. But if you have a few hours to kill (and someone else is paying) go large and book one of the double sun beds on the rock, complete with fleecy towels and cushions, waiter service, your own cool box, views onto the marina and a large helping of 'smug' as you gaze down on the sunbathers below. Booking crucial.
5. LA GUERITE RESTAURANT, Ile Sainte Marguerite
The bad news is that to get to La Guerite you have to hop on a boat. The good news is that to get to La Guerite you have to hop on a boat. And preferably a nice big, shiny yacht-shaped boat that will impress the rest of the stylish sailors lunching there.
Lunch here is a glittering affair with Greek chef Yiannis Kioroglou impressing hard-to-impress guests with modern Mediterranean plates and the odd secret recipe.
Last year I was lucky enough to be adopted and taken by the Teads (teads.TV) boys and girls who I now know three things about: 1. They specialise in online video advertising. 2. They are very good at it judging by their client list, size of their beautiful boat and taste for Ruinart. 3. They throw an awesome party.
Cannes Lions runs from 18 - 25 June
In 2016 it is an eight-day programme of creative inspiration, celebration, education and networking, attracting over 15,000 delegates from around 100 countries